40 Things That Aren’t Allowed on Tuesday

  1. Telling everybody it’s Monday.
  2. Robbing a bank and using the proceeds to fund your drug smuggling operation.
  3. Ignoring the law of gravity and floating around on the ceiling like they do in that one scene in Mary Poppins.
  4. Covering yourself in Reynold’s Wrap and storing yourself in the refrigerator.
  5. Putting on a nice suit like you’re a Jehovah’s Witness and going door to door asking people, “Have you ever considered the possibility that the universe was created by a malevolent God for the sole purpose of tormenting humanity?”
  6. Standing in the middle of an interstate highway and causing a traffic jam that stretches back for miles.
  7. Swallowing enough LSD that you literally disappear into an alternate dimension and nobody on this plane of reality ever sees you again.
  8. Going for a walk and saying to every dog you see while you’re out, “You’ve got such a beautiful human. Just look at that shiny coat, I can tell you take good care of her. Is she spayed?”
  9. Spitting in the faces of random passers-by as you go through your daily routine.
  10. Taking your phone and calling every single number in the phone book, just so you can leave obscene messages on their voicemail.
  11. Making your next door neighbor into a hamburger.
  12. Handcuffing everyone in the world to the nearest desk, so none of them can move or do anything at all without your explicit permission.
  13. Finding one highly self-conscious and anxiety-ridden person to mercilessly laugh at at random intervals. (Because if you pick the right person they’ll wonder what they did to get laughed at, and since they didn’t do anything they’ll fasten on the most particular little behaviors to avoid. So over time you’ll get them so confused that they’ll start acting seriously weird and neurotic, all through their excessive attempts to be normal.)
  14. Use a few boxes to make a believable fake of yourself to sit at your desk while you spend the whole day getting sad drunk at a bar and end up passing out sometime around three in the afternoon.
  15. Taking a shotgun and shooting the birds around your neighborhood.
  16. Setting everyone you know on fire and laughing at their screams as their skin melts and they beg you for mercy.
  17. Volunteering with the Suicide Hotline and asking all the callers, “Have you ever considered the possibility that the universe was created by a malevolent God for the sole purpose of tormenting humanity?”
  18. Whacking attractive women over the head with a club and dragging them off to the nearest semi-secluded area.
  19. Sending postcards to starving people in the Third World and asking them to make a small monetary contribution to fund your excessive and resource-destroying lifestyle.
  20. Having a political discussion that you don’t immediately regret.
  21. Ordering a stack of twenty quarter pounders at McDonalds, then waiting until they show up. After this, you open each of them one by one. Then you sigh, put on your best faux-polite face, and say, “I’m sorry, I ordered these without cheese.” (Actually, that one is completely allowed on a Tuesday.)
  22. Sneaking into all of your neighbors’ homes just so you can steal their salt-shakers.
  23. Picking one person and repeating everything they say back to them all day long.
  24. Taking those quarter pounders you bought from McDonalds, sitting on a park bench, and throwing the burgers at joggers as they come by listening to Lorde on their headphones.
  25. Buying a handful of tiny gerbil babies, going to Starbucks, and dropping the hairless gerbil babies into people’s drinks while they’re not looking.
  26. Dialing up 911 and asking the dispatcher, “Have you ever considered the possibility that the universe was created by a malevolent God for the sole purpose of tormenting humanity?”
  27. Standing on the airport runway with your thumb out, trying to hitchhike.
  28. Telling everybody in the world exactly what you think of them and what you’d do to them if you could.
  29. Finding a calm, peaceful state of mind where you’re generally okay with yourself and with other people.
  30. Taking every dog that barks at nothing and every cat that exists, strapping them to a rocket ship, and sending them up into outer space where they’ll never be able to bother you again.
  31. Rounding up every magazine editor who’s ever lived, locking them up in a cage, and telling them that the last one standing gets to live.
  32. Hiring a specialist with a very large mouth to serve as your personal toilet.
  33. Finding everyone who has ever gotten between you and what you want, setting them up in glass coffins, and letting them breathe the last precious air they have while you dangle the key that could let them out.
  34. Dressing as Santa Claus and walking around the local mall asking children, “Have you ever considered the possibility that the universe was created by a malevolent God for the sole purpose of tormenting humanity?”
  35. Building a time machine, going back to the moment of your conception, and shouting, “No, stop, for the love of God will you please stop it!”
  36. Hacking into every computer in the world so they all displayed one simple thing: a black screen that’s empty except for the words, “I’m sorry.”
  37. Eating all of the oranges in the world and burning down all the orange trees so that nobody in the whole world will ever be able to have oranges again.
  38. Crushing the spirit of every other human being in the world so they all become mindless automata just waiting to execute your every desire.
  39. Building a tower to reach to heaven so you’ll never have to touch the surface of the earth again.
  40. Making a mousetrap big enough to catch the whole earth so you’ll never have to have it scurrying around in your universe again.
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